Year FIVE: Mental Health -> Post Sport Anxiety

I’ve tried to write this over and over but was unsure of how to start, because where do I start? Within the past five years, I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, I’ve found myself, I’ve lost myself, then picked the pieces up and found myself again. But still, I went through all of that and don’t quite know who I’ll be when the ball stops bouncing in my collegiate career.

As my college career comes to an end I want to share my experience for not only myself, but for anyone willing to listen, and maybe anyone who needs it. 

Before coming to college I had mental health struggles and reached the lowest point in my life. A place I’d never imagined I’d get to. But honestly, I can say I’m grateful for it. If I didn’t go through that I wouldn’t have known that in the end, life gets better. Even when you think you can’t keep going, there is always something to live for. I remember where I was and what I was doing when I accepted my offer to attend AIC. I was lying on the turf at my old high school (Saint Anthony’s) watching a lacrosse practice and the first person I told my good news to was Summer Koepplin, someone I consider to be my second mother. I don’t exactly remember all my emotions that day, but I do remember feeling happy, grateful, and just filled with relief. I also had an underlying feeling that I had settled. I couldn’t help but wonder if this feeling was because everyone around me felt like I could go somewhere better or because I simply just felt that way. Little did I know at the time that the decision I made would be the best decision for ME. 

Year ONE. I like to say I had a good freshman year. I was a starter. I averaged around 11 points. I thought I had a decent freshman campaign. Unlike most, I don’t remember having much of a mental struggle at that time, other than you know, life, but other than that, I couldn’t complain. 

Year TWO. COV1D-19 happened and we all know how much of a struggle that was. I was fortunate enough to be able to play during that year, and that was the year we made the NCAA tournament. One thing I will always remember was the trip to Niagara Falls, but I will also remember being held scoreless and taking a loss when it mattered the most. That was hard for me, but I persisted nonetheless.

Year THREE. My Junior year was a low. I went through a breakup. I underperformed the entire season. I got COV1D. My back was in so much pain but I persisted. You never really understand how much a constant pain in your body can have such a huge effect on your mentality. There were some days I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to do it. Basketball just didn’t seem worth it. Back pain was and continues to be the hardest part for me in all this but I knew I only had limited time playing this sport so I continued to push through. Junior year was also the year I found Morgan’s Message. This program immediately caught my attention because I understood. I understood exactly what it feels like to mentally struggle doing something you love, and sometimes feel like it’s all just too much. And that’s when I knew, I wanted to be a part of this. I want to bring awareness to this, and let people know they aren’t alone.

Year FOUR. Honestly, I don’t remember much from senior year, shocking I know. I just remembered how much time flew because I was just a freshman. Every year had its struggles, so I know there were some. But I remember the biggest decision I had to make was do I want to do this again? One more year? I had the opportunity for one more year and everyone automatically assumed that I was going to take it, even my coach. Honestly, I didn’t want to. I felt like my body was worn out. I felt like it was just time, school as a whole just wasn’t my favorite place to be but I did it anyway. Looking back, I’m not sure if I did it for me or if I did it for everyone else, but it was another opportunity to put off the real world for a little bit longer.

Year FIVE. Year five ranks amongst the hardest year in my collegiate career. You would think that the last would be the easiest, but you are sadly mistaken. I’ve been a captain for the last two years and this year I wanted to give that title up more than ever. It’s not to say my teammates were bad, but navigating the team from a leader standpoint was just a stressor that I didn’t need or want. Our season started pretty well. We were 8-1, and I thought at that time, that we were never going to lose. Then Christmas break came, and then it went left. We’ve gone 6-12 ever since. The start of 2024 was such a difficult time for me. I wasn’t having fun playing the sport. I wasn’t having fun in life. And truly the only thing that kept me going was that I knew life gets better. Every loss that we had since Christmas made me so much more eager for my career to end. It wasn’t until a couple of weeks ago it really hit me. This will be it, you will miss it, and no matter how much I tried to convince myself I wanted it to be over I wouldn’t feel that way when the buzzer went off for the last time. 

I’ve silently struggled the past couple weeks because I felt guilty for wanting this to end so badly, that I wasn’t grateful for the opportunity I had right in front of me. For not having the fun I should be having. But I also thought to myself, who will I be when this is all over? For as long as I can remember, I’ve been Kayla the basketball player, so who will I be when that last buzzer goes off? I’ve sort of had an anxiety about what I will do when the real world hits. I hadn’t thought much about it in the past 4 years because I didn’t have to. But now I do.

Nonetheless, I am grateful. I am grateful to have had a place I could call home for the last five years. I am grateful for the relationships I’ve made here that will last a lifetime. I am grateful for the head coach I’ve had from the day I committed until the day it was all said and done. I’m grateful for my family, and every single person who supported me my entire ride. Every story has an end, but in life, every ending is a new beginning - 

#0 out.

By Kayla Robinson  |  IG: @kaylarobins0n (Originally written for Morgan's Message)